Monday, January 26, 2015
So as many of my readers have noticed things have been kind of quiet around here for several months. I've been struggling with some mild depression and anxiety. At first I was embarrassed and I didn't want to admit it to anyone but my hubby and my closest friends. But then it got to the point where others started noticing. I've been hibernating (more than usual) and even the things I usually enjoy doing weren't bringing me any pleasure or joy. I've done a lot of reading (although not as much as normal) but when it came to actually writing the reviews I just couldn't summon the energy.
Then, 10 days ago, my Grandma passed away. She was a wonderful woman. The strongest woman I knew. She lived with us when I was growing up. She was there when I got off the bus from school. She helped us with our homework and our music practice. When my sister and I started being homeschooled she was the one who was home with us every day. She never said no when someone else needed something. She was always willing to give us a ride to the library, or to play cards for hours. She took us camping every summer. She was always there, and now she's not. After receiving the call that she was gone I sobbed. I bawled like a baby for more than an hour. I cried until I just couldn't cry anymore. And it wasn't all for her. Some of it was for me. Finally, the sadness that I had been feeling inside had an outlet. There was a viable reason for the release of my pain. And now I feel better. At first I thought I was a horrible person. My Grandmother dies and I feel better? But she knew how I had been feeling. She was one of the people that it was always safe to talk to. And she wouldn't want me to be depressed. She would be glad that her passing helped me to deal with my depression.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still sad. I'm sad that she isn't here anymore. I'm sad that when I go home to visit my Mom and Stepfather she won't be there with a smile and a cup of coffee. But I laugh, and I smile and I am finding pleasure in my favorite things again. I'm not depressed. And that would make her happy. But now I have a lot of catching up to do. I'm trying to read more, I'm trying to write up my HUGE backlog of reviews, and I'm trying to do what's best for me. Because I can't be happy if I'm not taking care of myself.
Thank you to those of you who have gotten in touch with me to make sure that I'm okay. I am now.